Full Moon Blessings
Yesterday I finished a 40 day practice chanting the sacred prayer, So Purkh. I chanted this prayer 11 times a day for 40 days. In Kundalini Yoga, it is common that we commit to at least a 40 day practice with a meditation or kriya, as 40 days help to establish breaking a habit. Yogi Bhajan shared the So Purkh as a powerful prayer for women to recite to change their karma with men, heal karma with men, attract their masculine soul mate or elevate the men in their lives.
I have spent a lot of time and money in therapy and other healing technologies to understand and figure out what my issue with men is. For example, why do a I have so many wonderful first dates that never move forward into even a 2nd date? Why is heartbreak experienced with men more normal in my life experience than feelings of trust and faith in men? Like many other women and men, I have daddy issues, have experienced sexual assault and violation from men, and I know that some of my own trauma history informs how I relate to men, but does this mean that it will always be this way? What is wrong with me?
January 1, 2017 came and I decided to start. Perfect timing, I thought to myself, my 40 days will be complete right before Valentine's Day and maybe by chanting I will manifest a Valentine! (Oh, how my ego loves to go into control mode! hahah). So I began January 1st. I kept a journal daily, and by the 11th day, an interesting image came to my awareness. It was an image of my own inner masculine. He appeared gray-ish and dull. He sat in a chair, somewhat lifeless, apathetic, numb and cold. I saw my inner feminine, she on the contrary, was buzzing around working herself into flames. And she was EXHAUSTED! She was angry, resentful, hopeless and also determined to survive. Seeing how these inner archetypes in me were interacting was chilling. So often I have attracted men who fit some of the description of my inner masculine and I turn into that inner feminine who is working over-time to support herself and him. I usually end up feeling unappreciated and unsupported by my male counterpart and become angry, resentful and hopeless. To see how this was operating in me was both saddening and hopeful.
I realized: My inner feminine is exhausted.
My inner feminine was doing everything for me, she was doing the things that really were not her speciality. She was operating as the yoga teacher, therapist, student, head of household, professional, intuitive and the list goes on. And hence, she was tired. What she was needing was sleep, play, relaxation, and fun. But for years, there was no time for any of that, and she had adapted. I noticed my inner masculine was also exhausted. His exhaustion looked different. His exhaustion was due to atrophy and lack of confidence. He felt so un-needed by the whole of me, that he grew apathetic and decided he would also adapt to the way things were playing out and fade away.
I realized the next morning when I woke up, I needed them both. I need all of me. I joke with my students sometimes that I watched too many Disney movies growing up. Particularly Sleeping Beauty was my favorite. That is the one when the princess is asleep and cannot wake up until her Prince Charming comes and kisses her. Yea, I admit I internalized that. I have been thinking I have been waiting on a literal Prince Charming to wake me up. I didn't realize I could wake myself up.
We are composed of many archetypes - and each person's composition is different. When I say inner masculine and feminine, I don't necessarily mean a man and a woman, I mean an energy of being active and an energy of being receptive. In my own psyche's construction - they are imagined as a man and a woman for me to interpret the dynamic. I have an inner child (actually a lot of them), an inner hermit, an inner slut, and inner mother, an inner ladybug, the list goes on. It may sound trite, but chanting So Purkh has helped me to bring more dialogue to my inner archetypes and find out what they all need. In this way, I can start to give myself what I need, rather than keep seeking a man to come in and rescue me and give me what I need from myself.
Becoming the woman that I AM mean trusting and relaxing. When I am constantly running around and exhausting myself, I am doing it because I do not trust myself or God. I am working from a place that I am all alone and that nothing can happen without running my ass ragged. Many self-help books and teachers employ this theory as well - they shout at us to "do work" and "move past issues", but never uplift the idea that in our stillness we may already be what we are "working" to be. Chanting So Purkh has made me give myself permission to put down the idea of work and to put on the gown of trust. To trust that in stillness, I am already whole. To trust the art of "not-doing" as valuable and healing.
"When nothing is done, nothing is left undone." - Tao Te Ching
If you would like to continue this conversation, please leave a comment or join me for my upcoming events:
Saturday February 18, 2017
Women's Ritual Release : Surrendering to Ease
Shanti Naam Yoga, Castro Valley, CA
1pm - 4pm
Friday June 23, 2017 - Tuesday June 27, 2017
Presence and Being: A Women's Kundalini Yoga + Meditation Retreat
The Dreamcatcher, San Juan Puerto Rico