Scorpio Full Moon
Wednesday 5/10/17 | 2:42pm PT
Scorpio rules sex, death and taxes. It rules all of the things we typically work (usually unconsciously) to not think about; the shadow. Shadows are the areas in our life that we tend to be working hard to get rid of, to not show about ourselves, and/or to erase from our psyche. It is that thing we go to therapy to fix or that body part we go on a diet because of. The irony is that the shadow is usually apparent in some way, even though we may try to kill it...it is indestructible. It is a part of the soul, is a part of God, and therefore can never be erased or killed. It will take new forms, swim different paths, but its presence will always be.
I recently started chanting the 18th pauri as a 40 day practice leading up o my 35th birthday. This pauri spoke to me as it gives the hope to be able to dissolve the illusion between shadow and light. Chanting this pauri has the effect of, "fights madness, deep feelings of inferiority and self-destructive behavior" (according to Yogi Bhajan). Trying to kill my shadow is self-destructive. Whatever I do to my shadow, I do to my whole self. This whole past year has been about reckoning with my shadow and learning to forgive myself over and over again. In reading an article about this pauri, the author Eck Ong Kaar Kaur writes:
The shadow forces us to face what we do not want to face, and make peace with what we do not want to acknowledge.
The beauty of Kundalini Yoga is that it brings what is unconscious into consciousness. As I continue to dive into this pauri, it is bringing me awareness of the discomfort I have around my body. My relationship to my body is .... dysfunctional? It is abusive and critical. From age 5, I learned to say disparaging comments to myself particularly about my physical appearance and body. I learned to see myself as ugly and to see my body as abnormal and unpleasant for other people to look at. I learned ways to manage my body; abusive words, controlled disordered eating, and covering myself up and trying to camouflage my fleshy big legs and soft belly.
Trying to hide is exhausting. I am still hiding at age 34, the same hiding I did at age 7. A friend asked me tonight, "What would be the opposite of hiding?"....I responded "Letting myself be seen, not controlling what others see in me". I feel scared writing this. A part of myself is judging myself right now, "Shirley, this is everyone's story - you sound so basic writing about being seen!" It is true, this experience is probably very relatable to many human beings, and it is okay that I am sharing my experience. I have wanted to kill this story and experience for years. I have wanted to overcome it. Today as I write though, overcoming feels like a part of the abuse cycle. I wonder what acceptance could be like.
I think I am hiding from others, but the truth is most people probably can see all this that I am writing about. Most people who know me probably can see or sense my insecurities, my desperate attempts to hide and my discomfort with my body. This pauri is bringing to light that the person I am trying to hide from so often is myself. I don't want to see me, my shadow, or my light. I want to see fragments that I can criticize. I am familiar with being critical toward myself. It scares me to see my shadow, to see God and the brilliance of my psyche dancing as this shadow.
I don't know what to do from here. I don't know what will happen. I am not sure I will ever have a sweet, unconditionally loving healthy relationship with my body. I also think it is okay that I don't. What seems most important right now is that I just make space to see myself and practice seeing myself and taking myself in. Taking it ALL in...flaws and all. Taking it all in, God and all.
May your full moon be full of permission to take your full self in - your shadow, your light - your stories - your relationships; taking it all in as it is now with judgement or without, but just allowing it to be so that you can see yourself, the same way you see the full moon; as magical, powerful, and whole.